Love smarter
Ah yes, as if I don't have enough dating woes to begin with, let's throw a metamour into the mix. For those of you unfamiliar with the basics of polyamory, a metamour is your partner's partner. Without arduously detailing specifics, my wearisome experience with the aforementioned is rocky, at best. Sure, being someone's side chick unbeknownst to you is not so fun, but perhaps with open communication from the get, dating someone in an open relationship can work? Maybe... or maybe I'll never know.
It all began when I hit it off with a tall, techie, musician type - a Silicon Valley trifecta. Greek looks with mossy green eyes, a creative mind, a somehow masculine affinity for glitter, and a propensity for adventure. Of course, it was not until I became throughly enamored withthe potential I unabashedly projected our shared reformed-scene-kid aesthetic that he divulged his open long distance relationship status. My response to the wily cosmos was a resounding "why am I not surprised?" Give me your tired, your poor, your emotionally unavailable... Three dates later and inevitably here we are at a crossroads: do I preemptively walk away to guard my heart or do I stick it out because I have nothing to lose?
My qualms are many and growing, as this list has had teeth ever since "open long distance relationship" and "me" were in the realm of musings together. I can't say I haven't enjoyed myself whilst prowling message boards and chat rooms searching for the few people like me who have ventured down this corner of the polyamorous rabbit-hole enough to wonder at the minutiae. Still, I've surfaced with more questions and concerns than reassurances. Most notably, I don't want to put myself in a position where I could potentially develop feelings for someone who isn't in the right place to receive them. I'm such a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve-type that I don't want to have to hold back or be around someone who holds back around me. That's not my style. Part of me is like, "relax Alex - don't overthink it - what happens happens." The other part of me doesn't want my clumsy on-the-mend heart to get within a ten foot pole's poking distance of someone who has alluded that the main reason they're in an open anything in the first place is to cling to a love that's eroding. I know first hand what it's like to get dropped like a hot potato at the whims of a third party and I don't want to come second to someone in that way ever again if I can avoid it.
There's a difference between messing around with someone I know I'm unlikely to develop feelings for and doing the same with someone I feel potential with. One is fun and carefree, while the other can be frighteningly cloying if reciprocity is at all out of whack. I've never been one to walk away when I feel a connection, but lately I've been more actively acting in the interest of self-love. There's no better way to honor this worn heart than with integrity for its truest desire and I'm not sure if I can tenaciously pursue love like that while hoping for some fantasy to play out with Mr. Green Eyes. Conor Oberst said it best: "I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery." Maybe I should just scrap it and start fresh? Coming at you tonight from Rochester.
It all began when I hit it off with a tall, techie, musician type - a Silicon Valley trifecta. Greek looks with mossy green eyes, a creative mind, a somehow masculine affinity for glitter, and a propensity for adventure. Of course, it was not until I became throughly enamored with
My qualms are many and growing, as this list has had teeth ever since "open long distance relationship" and "me" were in the realm of musings together. I can't say I haven't enjoyed myself whilst prowling message boards and chat rooms searching for the few people like me who have ventured down this corner of the polyamorous rabbit-hole enough to wonder at the minutiae. Still, I've surfaced with more questions and concerns than reassurances. Most notably, I don't want to put myself in a position where I could potentially develop feelings for someone who isn't in the right place to receive them. I'm such a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve-type that I don't want to have to hold back or be around someone who holds back around me. That's not my style. Part of me is like, "relax Alex - don't overthink it - what happens happens." The other part of me doesn't want my clumsy on-the-mend heart to get within a ten foot pole's poking distance of someone who has alluded that the main reason they're in an open anything in the first place is to cling to a love that's eroding. I know first hand what it's like to get dropped like a hot potato at the whims of a third party and I don't want to come second to someone in that way ever again if I can avoid it.
There's a difference between messing around with someone I know I'm unlikely to develop feelings for and doing the same with someone I feel potential with. One is fun and carefree, while the other can be frighteningly cloying if reciprocity is at all out of whack. I've never been one to walk away when I feel a connection, but lately I've been more actively acting in the interest of self-love. There's no better way to honor this worn heart than with integrity for its truest desire and I'm not sure if I can tenaciously pursue love like that while hoping for some fantasy to play out with Mr. Green Eyes. Conor Oberst said it best: "I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery." Maybe I should just scrap it and start fresh? Coming at you tonight from Rochester.
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